


Fractured Worlds

by Toshua



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: M/M, Peru, Shamanism, sprit animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11559798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toshua/pseuds/Toshua
Summary: An alternate ending for 'The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg'.  The question of what it means to be a sentinel and shaman is explored.





	1. Whispers in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in 2008 and published in the zine 'Missing Links'. The last season of 'The Sentinel' is referenced multiple times and this story starts diverging from canon about mid-season. Any reference to slash is very minor and is not crucial to the story.

The anguish festered like a badly cleaned wound, welling up to the forefront of his brain at the worst times.

_“I gave you a place to live, I found you a job.”_

Blair closed the laptop with a slap. He glanced at the dissertation lying accusingly next to the gray computer. Jim had apologized in the only way he could, but the words had strung so deeply. His heart still lurched every time he heard them in his mind. _“I thought we were friends.”_

He’d turned in the introductory chapter after going over it for the one hundredth time. He’d pulled words, like ‘paranoid’ and replaced them with something less threatening in Jim’s mind. Carolyn’s observations had been deleted completely. The editing had left a bad taste in his mouth but it eased his partner’s mind. Now all he had to worry about were academia’s views. And those views could make or break him. If only Jim understood.

He put the laptop in his room, the lap desk under his bed where boxes of his possessions took up residence. In the week since their argument in the police garage, he’d started putting things in boxes, a book here, and statute there, a throw pillow. Deep inside, he felt like he was on borrowed time in living arrangements. Six months from now, the dissertation could be finished. Then what?

The ‘then what’s’ were keeping him awake at night. If he got his degree, he’d have to start looking for a full time teaching job and he doubted very much Rainier would be where he landed. How did he feel about relocating? There would be no logical reason for him to remain Jim’s partner at the station. If he wanted to stay at the sentinel’s side he would have to consider becoming a real cop.

Blair sighed again, eyes suddenly hot with unshed tears. He went into the kitchen and snagged a juice before going to the stereo and picking up a CD and the player. On the way to the front door he grabbed another book off the shelf and added it to box in the corner of his room. Another empty spot on the shelf, another hole in his heart. He went up on the roof, settled himself into the west-facing corner, slipped on the music and tried to lose himself in someplace where he was loved and wanted. When had needing to be loved become an important consideration in his life?

The beating of drums seemed to match the drum of his heartbeat and throbbing head. His thoughts spun in a maniac merry-go-round, spinning out all the terrible things that he could visualize. Very few of the possibilities held anything remotely resembling happiness and a spot next to his sentinel.

*******

“I fucked up bad, Simon. I don’t know why I said what I said but I did and now I’m in serious trouble.” Jim walked around the captain’s office, too agitated to settle in one place.

Simon leaned back in his chair. “This has got to be about Sandburg.”

“Oh yeah. You didn’t hear about our little argument?”

Simon shook his head. “I knew something happened between you two. He hasn’t shown his face more than a few hours the whole week.”

“Oh, I let him have it with both barrels.” Jim sagged against a chair, hands gripping the fabric until his knuckles were white; he finally flowed into it and poured out the conversation. “I tried to apologize when things settled down, even teased him about my being paranoid, but I hurt him so badly.”

Simon leaned back in his chair and sighed. Children. When did he acquire two more sons? “Did he turn in the introductory chapter?”

“Yeah, after he rewrote it. Took out everything that I thought was threatening. Which makes it less than the truth. He could be shooting his degree in the foot.”

“Because of you?”

“Because of me.” Jim ran his hand over his face. “I’ve been such a jerk. I practically accuse him of sponging off me so he could have a lab rat close at hand.”

“Forgetting that he’s been kidnapped, shot, beaten, almost blown up, and overdosed, just because he’s your partner, your guide. He could have turned in his observer badge after 90 days and walked away. Especially after what Kincaid’s men did on his very first day. If I’d been him, I sure would have thought about it twice.”

Jim groaned. “I’d forgotten that.” The cop lurched to his feet again. “What do I do now, Simon? How do I smooth this over?” He leaned against the wall, one fist lightly punching the doorjamb. “I’m scared to death I’m going to lose him.”

Simon watched his friend. Since Sandburg had bulldozed himself into the cop’s life, Jim had become so much easier to work with, so much more human. It would be a shame to see all the good that had been done to the cop’s personality, be undone in a matter of days. The police captain shook his head. He had watched his detective take the younger man under his wing, teach him how to be a cop, and Sandburg had returned the favor by teaching Jim how to be human. It was a win-win situation, and the police department was the ultimate winner.

But the surprising thing was the depth of love that was obvious between the team. Simon saw it every day but didn’t think that neither one of them were aware of it. He was getting an idea. Did he dare take a step as their friend and quasi-parent?

“Jim, you said you tried apologizing. Anything else?”

“Like what?”

“Like making sure he knows that the loft is his home? Like making sure that he knows that his work here has merit. I had to do that myself a few weeks ago, actually stop and tell him that I appreciate his efforts on our behalf. Did you know that he’s turning into quite a profiler?”

Jim shook his head, still leaning against the wall, back to Simon.

“He’s been doing all the research on your cases for weeks now, if you hadn’t noticed. And the last three books he’s been leaving on your desk are on criminal behavior and investigation techniques. Bet you hadn’t notice that either?”

Jim shook his head again.

Simon climbed out of his chair and went around touching his detective, turning him around. “Jim, when was the last time you noticed your partner?”

“When his heartbeat wasn’t at my desk three days ago. When I couldn’t smell his scent in the loft because he crashed in his office four nights ago.”

“Jim, you noticed when he wasn’t there. What about when he is?”

Jim dropped his head to his chest, not able to meet his captain’s eyes. “The night of our argument. He grabbed the gunman, almost got his neck broke.” Jim’s eyes were closed, reliving that moment. His brave, fearless, crazy, untrained partner, throwing himself on a gunman, baring the gun down and away. And all he could do was stand there and shout.

Simon shook his detective. “Jim Ellison, you’re one of the bravest men I know. But right now, I ought to kick your ass all the way to the garage.”

Jim looked at the captain, puzzled.

“Blair’s right, everything you react to is generated from fear. Come on.” He turned Ellison toward the door, opening it and pushing him out. “I’m taking you home. You have got to apologize to your partner and clear the air between you two, if I have to hold a gun on you.”

Jim had no choice but to precede the big man from Major Crimes and down to the truck.

********

Ellison unlocked the apartment door and backed in, arms loaded with a large pizza, a pound of Blair’s favorite coffee and an assortment of herb teas in their individual tins. Simon followed with two six-packs of beer and a bottle of wine.  
Jim sat everything on the table, looked around. “At least he’s been home.”

“How can you tell?” Simon didn’t see keys or jacket.

“I can smell his shampoo.” Jim walked across the room, studied the bookshelves. “Damn.”

“What is it?”

“Another book is missing. I’ve been noticing for several days his things are disappearing.” He went into Blair’s room, motioned for Simon to join him. He flipped up the edge of the blanket that touched the floor. The almost filled boxes sat mutely in front of them.

Simon looked at the boxes, around the tiny room that Sandburg had called home for almost three years. It wasn’t even as large as Daryl’s room, barely the size of a dorm room. But Blair called it home because it was more than he’d ever had before. He rubbed his eyes. Didn’t Jim get it? The love of his life was under his nose and he was throwing it away, just because he was so damn insecure.

“What did you expect, Jim? You accuse him of free-loading for three years, of betraying you. After hearing that, I wouldn’t expect to have a home much longer either. In fact, I’d be looking for a nicer place to stay.” He sighed, drifting out of the French doors, looked out the balcony at the almost dark sky. This was worse than he thought. He heard Jim’s footsteps behind him.

“But I didn’t mean it. I was just so angry.” Jim’s presence next to the captain didn’t disturb the cold air that surrounded him.

“And I’m sure that he’s aware that you didn’t mean it. But what about next time? What about when he gets his degree or I have to pull his ride-along for good? Will he still have a home?”

“Course he will.” Jim sputtered at Simon’s upraised hand.

“Does he know that?”

Jim looked at his shoes. “No. I’ve never come out and told him that.”

“Jim, the reason you and Carolyn didn’t last is because she couldn’t get through your thick skull and find the human being underneath. Somehow, Sandburg did and you’re a better man for it. But so help me, you screw up with him and you’ll have to answer to me.”

“Why should you care, Simon? He’s not one of your cops. He’s just –“ Jim stopped. How did he describe who and what Blair was when he couldn’t even explain to himself what Blair was – to himself, or anybody else?

“Just what?” Simon leaned into Jim’s personal space, trying to penetrate the desolation surrounding the man. “A student studying Sentinels? Your best friend? Your roommate? Or your partner? You’ve called him that, to my face and to his. Is that true? Because if it is, then he’s one of my men, cop or not.” 

Simon looked at the ceiling. How come he was giving this lecture to this man? Of all of his men, this man should know what partnership was all about. Then, maybe not. He’d been a lone wolf for a long time. Before Sandburg, Jim worked alone, insisted on working alone and rebuffed any attempt to assign him a partner. Had he worked with Sandburg because he believed he needed the grad student because of his sentinel abilities, and nothing more? 

“Jim, a working relationship is an ongoing process. A partnership is a marriage of one degree or another. And partnerships take work, and that means communicating. Just like marriage.”

“So how come you failed with Joan?”

“For the same reason you failed with Carolyn. You quit talking and just assumed everything was okay.”

Jim opened the balcony doors, stepped out. Simon followed, not letting his detective escape.

“Are you listening to me, or are you shutting me out just like you did Carolyn and now Sandburg?”

“I hear you, Captain. I’m just trying to find Blair.” Jim cocked his head for a second then announced. “He’s on the roof.”

 

The two cops were silent as they climbed the fire escape to the flat roof. There were several chairs scattered around and a small table. Tenants often used the roof for sunbathing whenever Cascade was blessed with a sunny day. Jim followed the jungle drums on Sandburg’s headphones until he found the younger man braced in a corner next to a heating unit. He was sitting on a towel, legs drawn up tightly to his chest, arms grasping them, head lowered to his knees. He didn’t acknowledge his friend’s approach.

“Chief? Are you awake?” Jim started to kneel down and touch his friend. Simon stopped him.

“Let me.” Simon knelt in front of the younger man, angling his body so Jim’s presence was blocked. “Blair?” He touched a hand that was locked around the drawn up knees. The hand was a block of ice. “Sandburg?” He gripped the hand and was awarded with an answering grip.

Blair raised his head and for a moment Simon could see tracks where tears had flowed recently. Then Blair turned his head, embarrassed, and wiped his face on a sleeve before meeting the captain’s eyes. He pushed the headphones off his head.

“Simon, what are you doing here? Is Jim okay?”

“Looking for you. And yes, Jim is fine. The question is how are you?”

Blair flashed a forced grin. “You know me, Simon. No worries, mate.” He mimicked Megan Conner’s Australian accent for a second. “Why were you looking for me?”

“Because I was.” Jim hunkered down next to his captain. “I brought pizza and beer. You hungry?”

Sandburg looked from Captain to Detective. Simon’s eyes were open, friendly. Jim’s were shadowed, worried. He sighed mentally. So, Simon was here to make sure Jim and he made peace. Why was he not surprised? “I can eat.”

Both cops offered a hand and pulled Blair to his feet. But Simon let go and stepped back, leaving Jim holding Sandburg’s hand awkwardly. Blair made no move to pull away, so they ended up holding hands as they crossed the roof to the fire escape. Simon followed, shaking his head.

 

“Jim tells me that you turned in part of your dissertation?” Simon pulled a piece of the cooled cheese-covered pie to his plate. He glanced at the two men. Blair was tearing his slice of pizza apart with his fingers, nibbling a mushroom. Jim was watching the agile fingers as they destroyed the food. He was seeing the tremble that ran through them occasionally.

Blair nodded.

“So when will you know if the committee has accepted it?”

Blair shrugged. “Couple of weeks, maybe.”

“Then what.”

Sandburg looked up from the crust that he’d torn apart, splitting his gaze between the two men. Simon was asking all the questions that Jim should be asking. Why? Because Jim had asked him to? Or because Jim couldn’t?

“If they accept it, then in six or eight months, I’ll turn in the rest of it. And if I haven’t blown my credibility completely, I’ll be finished.”

“What do you mean, ‘blown your credibility?’” Jim finally spoke, his voice so soft that Blair barely caught it.

Simon watched as Sandburg pushed himself away from the table, wiped his hands on a paper towel and picked up his beer.

“It means that my objectively has been blown to hell and that this whole project could be just a pile of paper for the recycle bin. It means I’m too close to my subject and passion and that it’s probably shading my analysis.”

“I don’t think so, Chief. I read the first part of it, remember?”

“And I edited it because you didn’t like it.”

“But that was just the introduction. You’re not going to edit the rest, right?”

“I don’t know. Am I, Jim?”

Simon could see where this discussion was heading. He held up his hand for silence. “What will you do with the degree?”

Blair ducked his head, hair falling into his face. “Hope Rainier has a slot for a professor or start looking for a teaching job somewhere.”

Jim’s heart seized. There it was. The possibility that his guide would be leaving. Simon had put his finger square on Jim’s biggest fear. 

“They’ll be crazy not to offer you a position.”

“Why should they? Professorships are treasured; there are people out there with better track records then me when it comes to being dependable.

“Chief, you’re one of the most dependable people I know.”

Blair snorted into his beer. “From whose point of view, Jim? Yours? Simon’s? The university? How often have I missed school over the last three years?”

“But you’ve been working with me. They know that.”

“Do you think that excuse will have any weight in a job interview?”

A huge chasm opened up under Jim. He’d never thought of the consequences his demands on Sandburg’s time would have on the teacher’s degree. He glanced at Simon, clearly looking for help.

“Blair, just for conversation’s sake, how much is this degree costing you?” Simon leaned forward on the table, intent on the younger man who was rocking the chair back and forth, threatening to spill himself on the floor any second.

Blair shrugged, remained silent.

“That bad.” Simon met the blue eyes. They were haunted and Simon had an idea of how far into debt the grad student was. He knew from researching colleges for his son, what four years could cost. He mentally doubled it.

Blair shrugged again. “I’ve been lucky. Scholarships, grants, and articles I’ve written, tutoring. But there are some debts hanging out there. Once I get the degree, I’ll have to work out a payment schedule.”

Jim pushed away from the table, walked across the room and back again. “Chief, how come I don’t know any of this?”

“Because you never asked.” Blair’s voice held a twinge of sorrow. “School debts are my problems, not yours. How much my degree is costing has nothing to do with you, your job or your gifts.” He forced a lock of hair behind one ear with a pizza stained finger, eyes focused on the table. “I’ve survived before, and I’ll keep right on surviving. I never asked for your charity and I don’t need sympathy.”

“But we’re partners, Chief. We have to work out what we’re going to do.”

“Is there a ‘we’, Jim?” Blair lifted his head, followed the detective with his eyes, seeing the panther in the smooth grace of the pacing.

“Of course there is a ‘we’, Chief.”

“Could have fooled me, Jim. From everything that has happened the last few weeks, I figured you were ready to toss me and everything that went with me out the window.”

Jim walked around the main room, eyes going to each spot where something was missing. He looked at his younger partner, back at the holes on the shelves. “Are you going to put back the statues and books that you’ve removed? This is your home, too.”

“Really? Since when?” Blair’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Since you became my partner. Since I realized that I don’t make it through a day without knowing you’re with me.” Jim came back to his partner, pulled him up and out of the chair, gripped the thin shoulders. “Simon just pointed out that I could tell him every moment that you weren’t with me, but couldn’t tell him when you were. You’re such a part of me that having you beside me is normal. When you’re not there, that’s when things are off kilter.” He shook the compact body a little, tried to smile. “And you’re right, it is a fear response. My fear of losing you, of losing the foundation that you’ve given me, the control. I need you, Chief, beside me, guarding my back. Can you forgive the caveman when he takes over and the paranoid, territorial primitive rears his ugly head?” He tipped closer, letting his forehead press against the top of Blair’s and smelled the heat that wafted up through the dark curls, rich with sweat and fear. After a second he pulled the trembling body into his arms, wrapping them around Sandburg, resting his chin on the head that fit so perfectly beneath his own.

“I want to forgive you, Jim, but I’m scared.” Blair’s voice was lost in the chest pressed against his face. He smelled Jim, the station, Simon’s cigars. He inhaled the fragrance as if it was a priceless perfume.

“No more talk of moving out, leaving, or throwing away the last three years, okay? We’ll work it out.” Jim’s hands slid up the flannel shirt and locked into the curls that wrapped around his fingers as they passed through. He tugged them gently, lifting Blair’s face out of his shirt. “Okay?”

Blair looked into the iceberg-blue eyes. They were clear and steady. And finally, they held the warmth that had been missing for a week. He nodded. “Okay, Jim.” He forced himself to swallow the fear that had been riding his throat for a week and pasted on a weak smile. 

Jim wasn’t convinced by what he was seeing in the darker blue gaze that peered up at him. “And if, in six months, things don’t work out about a teaching position here, we’ll sit down and figure out our options. Together. Agreed?”

“Together? Jim, that’s a big commi-“ Blair’s words were blocked by a finger across his lips.

“Chief, I just said we’re partners. Partners don’t abandon each other. Sentinels don’t abandon their guides. I won’t abandon you.”

Blair tried to duck his head but Jim’s fingers under his chin wouldn’t let him. So he slid his arms around Jim’s neck, pulling himself tighter against the hard body. Jim didn’t resist the closer embrace, just tightened his own and the iceberg eyes melted just a little bit. A small ember called Hope flared, glowing softly in Sandburg’s chest. Did he dare take the chance that maybe; just maybe Jim was implying more than a platonic relationship? There had been times over the past three years that he was certain Jim loved him. Then that certainty would be crushed by an episode of painful, heart-breaking hurt.

He’d taught himself years ago to never expect someone to love him. He’d never allowed himself to get into a situation where he’d set roots deep enough to let his heart grow. But, sometime along the way, it had happened in Jim’s loft. His heart had taken hold and was waiting for the right moment to burst forth and bloom.

Weeks ago, when they were searching for the federal witness and he’d met Katie and her daughter, it finally dawned on him. He was ready for a long-term relationship. He wanted it so badly that he could taste it. For a second, he’d fantasized about being a father, raising a daughter. Then when Katie turned out to be the witness, the fantasy died unrealized. He’d turned to Jim, needing his friend for comfort. Jim had shrugged it off with an off-hand comment about plenty of fish in the sea. But Blair thought Jim’s eyes said something entirely different. He’d nourished a small kernel of hope that Jim would say something to him, confirming his dreams. Instead, they’d had a huge fight and Blair was left to nurse his wounds in the dark.

Simon cleared his throat. “Ellison, kiss and get it over with. That way I can go home and get a few hours of decent sleep.”

Both men looked at the police captain, startled. Jim turned bright red, his face matching Blair’s.

Simon made a ‘go on’ motion with his hands. “What are you waiting for, your fairy god mother to sprinkle you with pixie dust? You two have been dancing around each other for three years now. It’s time you took the final step. Sandburg, he just about proposed to you. I don’t think you’re going to get anything more definite. Ellison, he’s been wearing his heart on his sleeve forever. So, somebody – break the ice.”

They looked at each other again. Jim finally grinned and found his hands wrapped in the dark curls he’d longed to touch forever. “Chief.” The nickname was a low growl in the sentinel’s throat. “Hope you know what you’re getting into.” Then he lowered his mouth to catch Blair’s, sealing the two of them together. The soft skin under his mouth melted and the shared breath traveled down his throat into his lungs, around his heart and back. The sensation of touching wet velvet exploded in his brain. He felt the curls as he crushed them in his hands, each strand of hair imprinted on his fingers. If he could have gotten any closer to the body molded to the length of his, he would have drowned in it.

Blair was being consumed and asked for more. He was being crushed and wanted only to give in to be surrounded, immersed in the embrace that pinned him. When finally the lips released his and bent lower to attach to his neck, he dropped his head back and cried out Jim’s name, begging for more. His hands were around Jim’s waist, fingers tugging at the sweater, finding satin-soft skin above the belt. Jim’s lips on his neck sent tingles down his spine, into his chest and across his nipples. He felt himself hardening and he leaned against Jim’s pelvis, pushing against the hardness he found there. Jim’s tongue followed the curve of his neck, found his ear, sucked on an earlobe, and then blew across the wet flesh.

Simon watched with amazement when Jim kissed his partner, completely immersed in what he was doing. Part of him felt he should look away, give them some privacy, but a larger part wanted to see the incredible sight of the two men melting into each other. There was no hesitation in the touch, no awkwardness between them. Jim had both hand in Blair’s hair, strands wrapped around his fingers as he cupped the smaller head. Blair’s arms were around Jim’s neck, then slid around his waist, muscles flexing as his grip tightened. He was bent slightly backwards as Jim’s height forced him into the bend; his face turned up to meet Jim’s kiss. He could almost hear the heartbeats that thundered between them. Blair moaning Jim’s name broke the silence that blanketed the apartment. Simon reached for his coat, calling Jim’s name. It was time for him to leave them to work out their own problems.

Jim pulled away from the body pressed against his as Simon’s voice finally penetrated the fog that surrounded him. He looked up at his captain, suddenly surprised to find the man in his coat, holding the door open, and a wide smile across his face.

“Why don’t you take tomorrow off? I’ll see you both on Monday.”

Blair turned in Jim’s embrace, blinking at the smiling captain. Jim’s arms tightened around him, as if he was afraid Blair was going to pull away.

“Thanks, Simon. For everything.” Blair settled against the hard body behind him. “You’re a good friend.”

“Yeah, Simon, thanks.” Jim eyes were fully dilated in the dim room, his voice husky with emotion.

Simon nodded and closed the door firmly behind him as he left. “If I had a ‘Do Not Disturb Sign’, I’d hang it on your door,” he called as he headed for the elevator, knowing that Jim would hear him.

Jim chuckled at the comment he heard from the hall, and then looked down at Blair, now facing him again. “I don’t have the words to apologize with, Chief. That’s your department. But I’m willing to try.”

“Apology accepted.” Blair looked into the intense face. “Just promise you’ll talk to me, before things seem to get out of hand with us again. I can’t help, can’t explain things, if you don’t talk to me.” He ran his hands up Jim’s back, allowed his fingers to slide down the backbone, feeling each vertebra. “Are you comfortable with this, Jim?”

“I’ll be more comfortable if you’ll come to bed with me. Let’s turn out the lights, take the wine with us upstairs. Then we’ll talk, and work things out, okay?” Jim kept his hands on Blair’s shoulders, rubbing gently but not putting any pressure on him. Staying in his embrace was Blair’s decision.

“I think I’d like that.” He reached up, kissed Jim’s lips, letting his tongue slide across the lower one. Then he grabbed the bottle of wine off the table and started up the stairs. He stopped halfway up and waited for Jim to secure the loft for the evening. Jim took his extended hand in the near darkness and they climbed the rest of the way together.


	2. Homeless

Simon shook his head at the cell phone’s dial tone. Now what? He changed lanes, found the right exit and stopped at the next light, his mind running over the conversation he’d just had.

_“Simon, need a favor.”_

“Sandburg, I’m on my way home.”

_“I know. That’s the reason I dialed your cell phone. Can you meet me at Tony’s Bar and Grill outside of the U. I need to talk to you.”_

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow in the office?”

_“No, I don’t think so, Simon. Please?”_

“All right. You get one hour.”

_“Thanks.”_

Simon parked next to the old green Volvo and locked his car. He glanced at Sandburg’s wheels and paused. The car was completely loaded with what looked like everything the young man owned. Simon groaned to himself. This did not look good.

The bar was loud, smoky, and smelled like barbecue, which reminded Simon he hadn’t had dinner. He paused at the doorway, gaze wandering over the young college age crowd. He finally found his target at a far corner table, sitting alone. Sandburg looked at Simon’s approach and pointed to the other chair.

“Want a beer?” Blair waved the bartender over so Simon could order and placed one of his own for another round. Several shot glasses were already on the table but Sandburg’s hands were steady and his voice wasn’t slurred.  
Simon looked at the long haired grad student. Sandburg’s eyes were fully dilated, swollen and red.

“What’s going on with you, Sandburg?”

“Need a favor, Simon.” The waiter brought their drinks and Blair threw a few bills on the table.

Simon sipped at the cold draft, listening to the pain-filled voice. “Why is your car packed, Blair?”

“Jim threw me out. Said he needed some space.” Blair’s whispered voice barely carried over the stained wooden tabletop. He looked up to meet the startled brown eyes.

Simon took a long moment to gather his thoughts as he hid behind a bar napkin. “What happened? I thought you guys had worked out your differences a couple of weeks ago. When I left the loft that night, it looked like reconciliation to me. I thought that the two of you would be great together; Sentinel and Guide, partners, lovers, whatever.” Simon almost reached out for the hand that circled the shot glass so tightly.

“Guess it wasn’t our destiny, you know, Simon. Happy every after and all that.” He looked up from his study of the tabletop and Simon caught the first hint of tears in the blue eyes. “Something’s wrong and he won’t talk to me.” He traced a pattern in the water circles on the table – an eye – over and over again.

“Wrong? Wrong how? I know that he’s snapping at everybody, even Conner mentioned it.”

Blair shook his head and one hand unfastened his ponytail, letting his shoulder-length curls fall in his face for a second before he brushed them back.

“Don’t know, Captain. But something’s eating him alive. You’ve seen him at the station. He’s jumpy, nervous. He won’t talk to me except to argue.” Blair rubbed his red-rimmed eyes, sighed behind the slightly trembling hands. “He’s having dreams, visions, nightmares. I think that he may be reacting to an outside presence, the other sentinel that’s in Cascade.” Blair took the shot in one gulp. “I came home and found my stuff packed. He told me that he needed some space, like I was interfering with his life. Then he left, and told me to be gone before he got back. Take care of him, Simon. You might have to let Megan in on his senses if you team the two of them up. She already believes he has a special gift.”

“And where are you going? You’re still his partner. And putting Jim and Megan together would be like putting tow lead dogs on the same team. They’ll kill each other.”

Blair nodded. “Both Alpha personalities. Not good.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Where are you going?”

The younger man’s shoulders shrugged, head bowed, watching his fingers trace the eye again and again. “I’ll be there if Jim wants me there. But I don’t think so, at least not for long. He keeps throwing out how I’ve betrayed him. That he can’t trust me. Can’t be a partner if there’s no trust, Simon. Can’t be a Guide to a Sentinel either, or anything else.” His voice dragged to a whisper that Simon had to lean forward to hear. Blair looked at the police captain, and Simon saw tears that refused to fall. “I know you won’t let Jim down. He’s going to need you. You’ve been a good friend, Simon. Thank you for that, it’s something I’m not used to having.”

Simon drained his beer. Ordering coffee for the two of them from the attentive bartender gave him a moment to think. “Are you giving up? That doesn’t sound like the Sandburg I know.”

“No,” Blair whispered. “I love him, man. He’s my sentinel, the other half of my soul. I’ll die if something happens to him because I wasn’t there to protect him. But I can’t force myself on him if he makes it clear that I’m not wanted. So you’ve got to watch after him Simon. Just promise you’ll be there for him, okay?”

“You got a place to stay?”

“There’s a hotel down from the university. They have cheap rooms for students. I’ll get by until I find something.” He almost smiled. “No more warehouses though.”

“What about tomorrow, or the next day?”

Blair shrugged again. He pushed his hair back out of his face, wiped his eyes. “Whatever happens happens. Take it one day at a time.” He raised an eyebrow at Simon. “Lived like that for years, Simon. I can go back to it.”

“Do you want me to talk to Jim?”

Blair collapsed back in his chair. “No, man. He’ll think I betrayed him again. No use in getting his hackles up.”

The bartender sat the mugs on the water circled table, added a tray with cream and sugar, snagged the bills that Simon held up and disappeared again.

Simon looked at the younger man who was almost a second son. The voice seemed ageless, weary.

“So what are you going to do?” Simon tried not to let the young man’s pain affect his voice, even though his heart ached in his chest. Sandburg hadn’t done anything to Jim to warrant the agony he was going through. Didn’t Jim realize what he was throwing away? “Are you going to finish the degree?”

“I’ve spent my entire adult life studying tribal guardians. The dissertation is almost finished. Too far down the road to stop now.” He looked down at the coffee mug. 

Simon listened to the slightly disjointed statements, heard what Sandburg wasn’t saying. He said ‘tribal guardians’ not ‘sentinel’. The distinction was loud in Simon’s mind. The student was trying to pull away from the pain, force the scientist to the foreground. If the sentinel and guide didn’t resolve things, Simon didn’t believe Sandburg would ever say the word ‘sentinel’ again.

“And after the degree?”

“Two weeks ago I said I’d apply for a professorship here so I could keep working and living with Jim.” He laughed slightly. “Love can be blinding, you know?” Blair rolled his head back and forth, arched his shoulders. “My training and degrees are good around the world. Who knows, I might get lucky and find another guardian that wants a teacher.”

“Is that what you want?”

Blair shook his head, eyes downcast. “No” His voice barely carried over the noisy bar. “I found a home, Simon. His name is Jim Ellison. I just didn’t realize it until I lost it. I never had a home before. Isn’t that a strange statement? Twenty-eight years old and never had a place to call home?”

“Sandburg, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to help.”

Blair looked up, forced a bright smile on his lips, even if it never reached his eyes. “Don’t worry about me, Simon. I’ll survive. Watch over Jim for me. He’ll need someone watching his back. I’ve got copies of all my research on disks.” He broke off and reached into his flannel shirt pocket, pulling out a stack of computer disks and sliding them to Simon. “You might want to keep these someplace safe. Whoever you partner him with will need to know his capabilities and how to deal with him when things go wrong. Watch out for him zoning on something. He hasn’t done it in awhile but it happens. Don’t let him work alone. If you have to, tell Megan or Joel.”

“I keep hearing that you won’t be around in this conversation, Sandburg.”

Blair looked into his coffee cup then at the police captain. “Life can be awful short, Simon. Fate is always out of our hands.”

**24 hours later**

Simon watched as Jim and Brown pulled Blair’s body from the fountain. Even as he performed CPR, he kept telling himself, _Sandburg knew, he knew, he knew._

Jim’s denying cries filled the air.


	3. Journey of the Soul

He opened his eyes cautiously. Sunlight streamed over the green leaves of the canopy that danced high over his head. Each leaf was edged in gold and the rays bounced off the bodies of insects that darted in and out of the sunbeams. His ears picked up the buzzing of the insects, along with multiple bird-calls that he didn’t recognize.

He pushed himself up from the damp jungle floor, wondering for a moment as he picked leaves from his hair, actually where he was and how did he get there. And why was he wet?

Memory slammed back and he gasped suddenly at the pain. The fountain. Alex. The battle for his life. He looked around himself again. He must have lost.

Now what? The jungle was familiar because it looked like all the other jungles he’d seen, but there was nothing that gave him a clue as to what his next actions should be. Getting to his feet, he followed the shadow that stretched out in front of him. As good a direction as any.

The shadow led him to the ruins of an ancient temple, rock face covered with vines, crumbling stone staircase barely visible under the years of leaves and moss accumulation. He stared at it, mouth open. An eye over the entrance was barely visible, cracked and broken carving almost lost to the ages.

From deep within the cavernous opening in the stone, scratching sounds preceded a large gray wolf as it padded into the light and down the leaf-covered stairs. The bright blue eyes stared unblinking at the human form in front of it as it settled down on its haunches and waited.

“Do you know where I am?” He looked around, then back at the wolf. “I guess I’m losing it, talking to a wolf.”

The wolf blinked and in the time it took to close and open its slate-blue eyes, the animal had changed from wolf to human. A very familiar human.

Blair Sandburg stared at himself. His nude twin sat on the ground, legs crossed, hands draped in his lap, staring up at him. “Who are you? Where am I?” He looked around himself again, then back at the silent figure. “Am I dead?”

“Not yet. It’s kinda up to you.” The figure from the ground finally spoke, his voice rough in the silence. He motioned for the standing man to sit.

Blair looked around himself again, and then settled down, copying his twin’s pose. “Why am I here?”

“Every shaman must start somewhere. Some start with a vision, some with a life wrapped in study, some with a spirit walk.”  
“And you are?”

“Your guide, your guardian, your soul. Whatever you make me to be.”

Blair ran his hand through his wet hair, took a moment to wring out a dripping strand as he gathered his thoughts. “If this is a spirit walk, then I’m here to learn from you?”

“Among other things. You are here to decide your path. You were chosen by a very powerful shaman to protect a very powerful sentinel, to teach him and lead him to his destiny. It was a decision that was forced on you. Now, you must decide on your own, the path that you lead. A shaman’s journey often starts in the West.”

‘’What are my choices?” Blair pulled off his flannel shirt, twisted the fabric, watching the fountain water drip on the ground. He spread it on the earth, added his tee shirt, before facing the spirit that wore his face.

“Simple choice first. Life or death?”

Blair’s answer was automatic. “Is Jim alive?”

“For the moment.”

“I choose life.” He continued to undress, laying each article of clothing on the ground around him, until he was as nude as the body in front of him. It felt like the right thing to do. “I am ready.”

“Your first lesson is trust.” The spirit morphed back into the wolf and started into the jungle, followed by the naked man.

“Figures.”

********

_Jim Ellison let out a cry at the first independent breath his partner pulled into his drowned lungs and, ignoring the paramedics still hovering over the soaked body, pulled the smaller man into his arms._

_“That’s it, Chief. Breathe, buddy, breathe for me.” Jim rocked the wet body, ignoring the coughing and the water that ran from the gasping mouth. “Keep breathing, Chief. That’s right, keep breathing.”_

Blair sat on his haunches on a flat rock, high above a jungle floor. A wolf reclined next to him, a panther on the other side. Blair’s eyes were closed, but he was listening intently to the voices in his head. Part of him knew that the animals next to him were not speaking, but the part of him that believed in the spirit and animal powers rejoiced in their words of wisdom.

“A shaman never completes his journey, no matter how many times he walks the Medicine Wheel. There is always more to learn, more to discover, more to see. The shaman must share his knowledge to teach, to heal. Only then will the power of a shaman remain his. Only then will your spirit animals go with you in your journeys, guide you through your life. Your spirit animals are two of the strongest. A panther guards your back, protecting you from the evil spirits that walk in ignorance. The wolf guides and teaches, allowing you the freedom to explore and sample the world.

“And the sentinel? He too has been to the West. He has faced death.”

The panther’s voice echoed in the young shaman’s mind. “He has faced death many times. But he has yet to learn the lessons that traveling to the West will teach. He has also walked the Medicine Wheel to the South, and again, rejected the lessons offered there. I will guard his soul for each journey that he makes. Wolf will join him when he begins to learn the lessons of the Medicine Wheel. But his journey will be harder, so hard that it may never begin. He lives in the physical world and is still blind to the spirit world. You, young Shaman, now live with a foot in both worlds. Together, Sentinel and Shaman can teach the lessons that have been lost to so many. It will be difficult, so difficult that you may never reach more than a handful of people. But each life you touch will be changed.”

“You’re referring to Cascade, and the people that live there.”

Wolf stretched, yawning. “Perhaps. Or perhaps it will be another tribe, somewhere else.”

Blair felt the sun on his bare shoulders, the wind on his skin. The day was almost over and the sky overhead was darkening. “And my next step on the Medicine Wheel?”

“You must return to your tribe, to your sentinel. Read your dreams, young one. Listen to the sentinel’s. Together, you are stronger than apart.”

Panther stretched, and then touched noses with the wolf. Both animals turned to the nude man resting on the rock. “We are here. All you need to do is open your third eye and you can see us in a waking dream.” Then both animals bounded down the rock cliff and disappeared into the jungle. Blair turned his face to the east and waited for the setting sun to return.

_Jim pushed open the hospital room door with his hip, hands full with various things for his roommate. He approached the raised bed containing his smaller framed partner with a determined smile on his face._

_“Hey buddy, how’re you doing?” He was met with silence except for the beeping of various monitors._

_“I brought some things I thought you’d like.” Jim placed a small duffel bag on the floor and slid it under the bed frame with one foot. He opened the case he placed on the chair, voice never stopping._

_“I brought you some sweats for when you wake up because I know how much you hate hospital gowns, and your favorite warm slippers, the ones with the socks.” He removed a CD player and headphones, checked to see if the CD was inside and placed it next to the long hair fanned out on the pillow.]_

_“I know you can hear me, Chief. So I brought one of those meditation tapes you’re always listening to.” He carefully placed the headphones over the small ears, taking a moment to brush the long hair out of the way._

_“I want you to listen to this and focus on it. You can find your way home, Chief. All you gotta do is listen and let the music bring you back.”_

_Jim pushed the play button and adjusted the volume to a soft whisper. Then he pulled the chair closer to the bed and settled down for a long wait. He took the hand on top of the blanket and curled it around his, feeling the cold flesh that only signaled life by the blood that rushed through the blue veins._

_“I’ve been reading some of those books you had laying around. Well, actually, I was unpacking a box of your books and I found a couple of them that were really dog-eared. When I picked one of them up it kinda fell open so I started reading._

_“I found out a lot of things, but one of the things that it talked about was how shamans used drums to help them focus when they were working. And suddenly, all this ‘jungle music’ that you play made sense. So anyway, I thought that if I gave you something familiar to focus on, you might come back to me, Chief. Because I really need you.”_

_Jim held the cold hand in his, one finger stroking the back of it, while the other brushed through a long strand of brown hair.  
“Come on, Blair. Fight your way back. You’ve never quit before,” he whispered._

****  
His eyes were closed; the heat from the early morning sun touched his cool flesh and warmed him. He opened his eyes and stretched arms high over his head. He climbed to his feet, extending each stiff muscle that protested sitting all night in one position.

“What do you hear?” The wolf at his side mirrored his motions.

“Drums, very faint.” He cocked his head, focusing on the distant sound.

“Your sentinel has been studying. He is calling his shaman.”

‘What will I find?” He glanced down at the large gray animal, then reached out and stroked the silky ears. The wolf yawned.

“What do you want to find?”

Blair shrugged. “A home. Jim.”

Panther appeared from the jungle undergrowth, sat down and blinked his green eyes.

“Then follow your heart, young one.” The wolf stretched again, then trotted a few feet away. The animal spirit turned back to the young shaman and with two long, loping strides, leaped into Blair’s body. Blair turned toward the panther and followed it into the jungle.

****  
Jim was almost asleep in the chair next to his partner’s bed when the cold hand he held tightly, stirred. The cop jerked awake, rising to sit on the young man’s bed.

“Chief? Blair? Can you hear me?” He brushed the back of his hand along the pale face, through the tangled hair, pulling the headphones away with the strokes.

Blair took a deep breath, and then his whole body stretched, as if emerging from a long sleep. His hand held so tightly in Jim’s returned the grip. Sleepy blue eyes finally blinked, opened, blinked again.

“Hey there, buddy. Welcome back.” Jim’s face burst with a grin. He watched as Blair’s sleepy eyes blinked a few more times before focusing on his face where it hovered over Blair’s just waking eyes.

“Jim.” Blair breathed the name. “Water?” Strange, the thought drifted through his mind. My first thoughts after being drowned are for water.

“Right here.” Jim quickly poured a glass of water and inserted a bent straw before placing it against Blair’s lips. “Don’t gulp,” he cautioned when Blair seemingly inhaled the glassful.

Blair looked around himself cautiously, seeing and feeling all the monitoring equipment. His eyes finally lit on the taller man’s face. Jim was smiling at him, hopeful eyes watching his partner’s face.

“How long have I been here?” Sandburg’s voice was hoarse.

“Four days. Do you remember what happened?”

He looked around the room again. Except for a dim light in the bathroom, it was dark, late at night. Blair idly wondered where the wolf was. Hadn’t it promised to stay close? “Most of it I think.” Blair made a move to sit up, but Jim stopped him, raising the bed instead. “Thanks,” he said to acknowledge the kindness.

Jim looked down at the hand that had not left his. Blair’s knuckles were almost white and Jim smiled at the tight grip, but he felt awkward and the silence between them lengthened. All the emotions that had been charging through his body while he waited for his partner to awaken, all the promises he’d made to the unconscious figure seemed impossible to voice now that the blue eyes were open and looking at him.

Blair looked at Jim, followed the detective’s eyes to their joined hands. Some of the things that happened to him over the past four days flowed back. The wolf said he was the teacher, that to teach meant that he sometimes had to lead, not follow, not guide. Trust in his heart, the wolf had said, time and time again.

“Jim.” Blair looked back at the tall detective, eyes huge in his pale face. It only took the smallest pull with his trapped hand and the detective reached for him.

It was like a switch had been thrown. Jim pulled his partner into a fierce embrace, nestling his face into the dark curls, arms tight around the small body.

“Blair.” The name was whispered like a talisman. “I thought I’d lost you. I’m sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Please forgive me. Blair, my love, my soul, please forgive me.” The words tumbled fast and furious from the detective’s lips into Sandburg’s hair, until it was a jumble of sounds running together, impossible to decipher.

Blair lay against the cop’s chest, listening to the heartbeat that he hadn’t heard in days, absorbing Jim’s unique scent. He felt lips in his hair, on his forehead, light, brief, touches over and over again. Jim finally pulled away enough to meet the blue eyes he was afraid would never open again.

“Have you forgiven me enough that I can kiss you?” The cop’s eyes were full of unshed tears. “Will I ever be worthy of your kisses again?”

Blair let his head nestle against the shoulder of his sentinel and smiled. “Only if you can handle four-day-old morning breath.”

The smile that broke over the sentinel’s face rivaled the sun breaking out from behind a thundercloud. Jim’s slid a hand into the long hair, finger pads rubbing the skull. “Blair.” He gently kissed his partner’s lips, savoring the texture. “Blair, my Blair.” He pulled away slightly. “Don’t ever leave me again.” This time he closed his eyes as their lips touched and he fell into the kiss.

A hand pressed against Jim’s chest, a silent signal that his partner needed air. He almost followed Blair’s lips as they pulled away from his. He opened his eyes instead.

Sandburg leaned against him, panting slightly. Blair smiled a little, answering Jim’s upward quirked eyebrow. “What time is it?”

“After midnight. Do you need anything? Want me to find a nurse?”

Blair shook his head slightly. “Can you stay? Talk to me?” He scooted over, giving his partner room to sit beside him, then settled into the firm embrace again. “What’s happening?”

“What do you remember?” Jim placed a couple of pillows behind his back, partially supporting himself, and tightened the embrace that cradled his partner. Jim held the precious body against his while Blair recalled his last conscious moments in bits and pieces. He combed his hand through the tangled curls as the younger man ran down and slid into sleep again. Jim kept carding the brown strands, feeling each pull and knot, carefully freeing each. He let his hearing expand until his partner’s heartbeat registered clearly, solidly thrumming in the compact body. Then he leaned against the pillowed headboard, closing his eyes and telling himself “fifteen minutes” before surrendering to sleep.

Jim’s dreams took him to the panther. He watched from a distance as the big cat protected the wounded wolf; the panther groomed the lupine’s head as it lay against the sleek feline body.

The cat blinked, large green eyes shuttering in the ebony face. “Your guide has been to the West, Enqueri, as you have.”

“I don’t understand.”

“He will teach you. The wolf is his teacher, his spirit animal, his power. I am his guardian spirit animal, and I am yours. In time, the wolf may also be yours. Learn from your shaman, Sentinel. Listen to his wisdom. He can guide you to the South, so you will learn from your past.”

Ellison stared at the two dream animals. The voice in his head was Inchaca at his most soothing. “What has my past got to do with this?”

“Your past holds your fears. Your fears threaten your shaman. The path to the South will teach you to walk with your fears.”

“What is this path to the South?”

“Your shaman will show you. Listen to him, Enqueri. Your dreams contain great power. Use that power to protect the Tribe.”  
Jim nodded at the panther. The wolf raised its great gray head and looked at Jim with Blair’s eyes. Then it finally scrambled to its feet to stand shoulder to shoulder with the black cat.

“Enqueri, remember, your shaman is a teacher. He must be allowed to teach, even those who you can be an enemy may gain knowledge from his words.”

“That puts him at risk.”

“That is why you are a guardian.”

The two animals faded into the jungle and Jim’s sleep was peaceful.

The morning light through a crack in a pulled shade roused Jim from his sleep. He was surprised at the time and that he’d slept undisturbed with Blair still curled against him. Carefully he slid off the bed, and then eased his partner down on the pillow.

He almost groaned when he straightened his back. Sleeping upright was not comfortable and he walked around a bit, shaking pins and needles from his legs.

The room door opened and a nurse hustled in. She nodded a hello to the detective, not surprised to find him there.

“He woke up last night,” Jim commented quietly as the nurse took Sandburg’s pulse.

The gray haired woman glanced up from her work. “It’s not noted on his chart.”

“I didn’t call anyone. He talked for a few minutes, and then fell asleep again.”

“Was he lucid?”

“I really hate it when people talk about me like I’m not here,” Blair’s sleepy voice interrupted the discussion.

“That’s because you haven’t been here for the last four days, Mr. Sandburg. How do you feel?”

“Like a pin cushion.” He pushed at his hair, brushing it out of his face and smiled at Jim.

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to put up with it awhile longer. If Mr. Ellison will step outside, I’ll take care of a few things.”

Blair locked eyes with Jim for a long moment, then both men nodded and Jim glided outside. Leaning against a wall, he rubbed his face, feeling two days worth of beard. He needed a shave, shower, and coffee, not necessarily in that order. He found a coffee machine at the nurse’s station and poured himself a Styrofoam cup of the bitter drink. His eyes never left the door that his partner was behind. When the nurse left, he swiftly finished his drink and hurried back.

Blair was sitting up, eyes on the door. Jim stopped, aware of what he must look like. He hadn’t changed clothes in days, barely eaten, hardly slept. Last night had been the first time that he’d slept more than a fitful hour or two since they’d pulled Sandburg from the fountain.

“You look awful, Jim. Haven’t you been back –“ Blair stopped at the word ‘home’. “- to the loft?”

“Not really. Just enough to make sure you were moved back in, grab a few things I thought you would need.” 

At the questioning gaze, he crossed the room and pulled out the duffel under the bed. The big cop took the younger man’s hand again, ice-blue eyes intent on the pale face. “All your things are back home. I just left most of the stuff packed until we could unpack together.”

Blair studied the planed face, seeing the fear in the shadowed eyes, the pain shining through. “Do I have a home, Jim?” It hurt to ask the question and the lump in his throat was almost too big to breathe around.

Jim groaned and dropped his head. “Chief,” he sighed to the depth of his soul. “I’m so sorry.” He met the sapphire eyes, forcing himself to hold the gaze. “Yes, you have a home. With me. For as long as you want it. Okay?”

Blair smiled slightly. He knew the look on Jim’s face. It was guilt, with heavy dose of sorrow. Part of him wanted to gloat over seeing the man humbled before him. But the truth was they had both made terrible mistakes, mistakes that had almost cost him his life, mistakes Jim would not get over easily. He reached for the hands twisting the sheet that covered him.  
“It’s okay, Jim. We’ll work through the past – together.” The room fell silent again. Blair desperately wanted Jim to hold him, to reconfirm that the love that had grown over the past three years had not died before it had a chance to live. But he refused to ask for it. If he asked then the bond between them was broken, and would probably never be restored.

Jim pulled Blair up and tucked him against his chest, one arm around the slender chest, the other in the dark curls. “I love you Blair. Just don’t forget that, okay? No matter how many problems, no matter how hard things get over the next few months, I will still love you.” He held the smaller body tightly, marveling at the second chance he’d been given. Maybe there was an angel riding his young lover’s shoulder. “What did the nurse say?”

Blair shrugged. “Nothing much. Wait for the doctor and see when I can get out of here.” He pulled back and looked at his partner. “Jim?”

“Yeah, babe.”

“We need to go someplace as soon as they release me.”  
“Besides home?” Jim settled back on the edge of the bed, releasing Blair so he could look into the anxious face.

“Peru.”

The destination surprised Ellison. “Why?”

“I need to learn a few things. We need to learn together. How to be a sentinel and a shaman. How to be a team. Our spirit guides have a lot to teach us.”

“I know.” Jim took Blair’s hand in his, traced the veins. The hand latched onto his wrist, forcing him to look into Blair’s puzzled blue eyes.

“You know?”

“Yeah, the panther told me. I saw the wolf.”

“You did?” Blair paused as he thought about the image. “He’s pretty cool, isn’t he?”

Jim was looking into the distance, one hand rubbing across the top of Sandburg’s hand again and again. “That’s why I sent you away. I dreamed I killed the wolf. It turned into you.”

Blair stayed silent, turning the thoughts over in his head. The wolf and panther had said that Jim’s dreams were powerful. “So you thought your dream meant that my being close to you was dangerous?”

“Something like that. But it meant that you were in danger.”

“See? That’s why we have to go south, man. We have to learn how to interpret things like that. We have to learn to trust each other with our dreams.”

“I have to get over my fears.”

“Exactly.”

“Then I’ll call Simon and have him start planning around me being gone for awhile. We’ll go as soon as you’re strong enough.”


	4. Dark Thoughts  (Missing Scene)

The words from the love song flowed over and around him, hitting like a bullet in his heart. He spared the radio a scowl as he drove, wondering how the radio station had been changed when he was the only one in the truck for weeks. But the dial hadn’t moved and he wondered when the station had changed to an easy listening format that included sappy love songs. The words of Neil Dimond’s “If you Go Away” filled the cab.  


“If you go away  
Like I know you must  
There’ll be nothing left  
In the world to trust  
Just an empty room  
Full of empty space  
Like the empty look  
I see on your face.”

Jim growled at the song. It was too close to home. It brought forth too many memories, visions that danced in his mind’s eye. His partner at his back, urging him to use his senses, calling him back when he went to deep and lost contact with the world. Like when he trained a laser penlight on the bad guy to give Jim time to get away; or when he held a machine gun with great reluctance, nose bloodied after being hit by a suspect but refusing to release her. The light changed and he accelerated through the intersection. The words still poured from the speakers.

“But if you stay  
I’ll give you a night  
Like no night has been  
Or will be again  
I’ll sail on your smile  
I’ll ride on your eyes  
I’ll talk to your eyes  
That I love so much.”

He pulled up to the apartment building, looking up to the windows that belonged to his loft, the song wailing to the end with Dimond dragging on about ‘if you go away’. He forced himself out of the truck, slamming the door and leaning on it wearily. He stood in the setting sun, eyes on the balcony, reliving the week that they’d had before everything fell apart. The first night, a wine bottle between them; snuggled close and holding each other, gentle kisses and fiery embraces; whispered endearments and apologies; promises made. Their second night had lasted into the dark hours of the morning, loving and being loved, discovering each other bodies, coming together again and again, trying to experience every sensation at once, as if they knew it would be over before it had a chance to begin. The third night they’d spent camped under the stars, making love and watching the sky, sharing secrets and stories. The fourth night had found them separated by duty, with only a phone to connect them; whispered conversations trying to relay what they were feeling in the long, dark night.

Jim’s memories kept rewinding as he stumbled to the building and into the doorway. And the memories brought guilt and anger with them. Why couldn’t they have stayed on the track they had been on? What had happened? He’d awakened from a dream, alone and frightened. His partner had left the apartment earlier, a note on the kitchen counter telling of an early morning meeting, signed with a heart, with a ‘B’ inside. Then the robbery, and the spotted jaguar in the store, followed by him being shot. And the downhill spiral had started.

Jim pushed the button for the elevator, still lost in his memories. Every word that had been spoken, every look, every plea between them replayed in perfect order. Right up to the moment when he realized that the most important person in his life was lying lifeless at his feet and everything had gone black when his heart broke.

But a miracle had happened. His guide had been granted a second chance and he a reprieve from a life of guilt. The elevator bumped to a halt and Jim entered it, pushing the button for the third floor still lost in his memories.

The door to the loft was locked, the furniture still piled in the basement. The boxes that contained Blair’s belongings were still stacked in the middle of the floor where Simon, Joel and Rafe had stacked them. He turned on the lights, and as an afterthought, raised the thermostat, not really understanding why the heat was turned all the way down. He looked around the empty rooms, the words to the song on the radio replaying in his mind.

“Just an empty room  
Full of empty space.”

Jim reached for a small duffel and the box marked ‘music.’ He had work to do if he wanted to avoid the promise in that song.


	5. Homecoming

Naomi Sandburg charged into Major Crime. Without any word to anyone in the bullpen, she swept into Captain Banks’ office and slammed the door. Simon almost jumped at her intrusion.

“How dare you let my son jeopardize his life for Jim Ellison? And how dare you not notify me? Do you know that it took an e-mail from a friend in L.A. before I found out that my son almost died?” She slammed her hand down on Simon’s desk. Her green eyes were filled with fire as she stared at Simon Banks. Her slight figure was almost trembling with suppressed rage.

Banks inhaled, let his breath out slowly. “I’m sorry, Ms. Sandburg. We tried notifying you of the emergency but nobody knew where you were. I’m glad that your grapevine is so well informed and so fast.” He got up, went around to his coffee bar. “Would you like some coffee, or tea, perhaps? I think Blair has some of his favorite tea bags around here somewhere.”

Naomi slammed her hand on the desk again, closed her eyes and breathed deeply a few times before glaring at the police captain again. “No, I do not want coffee. I want to know where my son is. The loft is empty, his car is at the university and I have no idea what type of truck Ellison is driving these days.”

Simon finished pouring his coffee, took a sip before turning to the angry redhead. “Ellison and Sandburg are in Peru.”

“Peru! You let my son go to Peru when he is barely out of the hospital?” Naomi tugged on the ends of her shawl for a moment, and then sank into a chair, all the fire suddenly gone. “Captain Banks, I know that you are an intelligent man.”

“Thank you.”

“So I assume that you would not let Ellison drag Blair to Peru if he was not well enough to go.”

“He insisted. He said it was the only way he could heal. And he is a grown man.” Simon was leaning against his desk, eyes studying the redhead that was still staring at him.

“Why is the loft empty?”

“Naomi, the last few weeks have been very hard.”

“Hard! I’ll tell you hard. ‘Hard’ is when you get an e-mail that has been passed through three continents that contains a newspaper clipping about how your only son was the victim of some thief’s attempt to drown him. ‘Hard’ is sitting on an airplane for eighteen hours with no news other than that he’s alive. ‘Hard’ is getting to Cascade only to find your son’s home empty! ‘Hard’ is trying to believe that the man that your son has put all his faith and trust into is worth that trust and would protect him no matter what.” She bounced from the chair again, circled the office, behaving so much like her son that Simon could see Blair in his mother’s movements. “Why has Ellison taken him to Peru, Captain Banks, and do you know where they are?”

“Naomi.” Simon sighed, tried to approach the small woman. She had bags under her eyes and a slight tremor in her hands indicated how tired she really was. “I don’t know exactly where they are, but they are with a Chopec tribe that Jim was living with for awhile. Jim said it was imperative that they get away from civilization and reestablish who they are.” He stopped, wondering if anything he was saying made any sense, and if Naomi had any idea of what Ellison and Sandburg were to each other.

“Naomi, do you know what Blair is doing his dissertation on? Do you know why he is working with us?”

“Of course I know what his dissertation is on. Don’t you think I know what my son’s obsession has been the last ten years of his life? Don’t you think I know why he has dragged himself to places so far off the beaten track that you can’t even find them on the map? Why he has immersed himself in obscure little tribes and dialects that are almost extinct?”

Captain Banks listened to the angry speech of the red-headed woman. It had been a dumb question on his part. Of course a mother would know what her son’s studies concerned. She had been around the young man enough to hear about everything he’d done, places he’d seen. She might not be a hands-on mother, but she was still a mother.

“Naomi, what do you know?”

She glanced at the police captain, eyes full of daggers. “I think the question is, what has my son trusted you with?”

Naomi Sandburg shook her head. The gaze that pinned the police captain blazed with the same intelligence her son had and for a moment Banks wondered if Naomi’s lifestyle was because she hadn’t found anything that challenged her enough to stay in one place long enough to become attached to something or someone.

“Somehow, Captain Banks, I doubt very seriously that my son has trusted you with everything. He doesn’t trust me with everything, and I’m his mother. The only person I know for sure that Blair has trusted is Jim Ellison. And if Blair trusted him enough to let down the barriers between him and other people, then that means that Jim Ellison has a special gift. Am I right?”

“Yes, he has a gift. And if you know what Sandburg’s obsession has been for his adult life, then you know what Jim’s gift is.”

Naomi looked at the captain and finally blinked. Her hand went to her mouth. “Are you serious?” she whispered. “Jim?”

Banks nodded, then poured a cup of hot water and placed a tea bag in it, which he passed to the startled woman.

“Oh, Goddess. Who else knows?” She tracked Simon across his office as he closed the blinds and came back to his desk. 

“Nobody. We’ve kept it as quiet as possible for three years.” Simon leaned against his desk.

Naomi looked at the tea bag, watched the little tendrils of color seep from the cloth sack. “I didn’t think it was possible. I thought that once he started working with the police department, he’d finally given up his dream of finding a sentinel.” She looked at Banks, tears of pride in her eyes. “Are all five senses enhanced?”

Simon nodded. “And there is some evidence that a sixth sense is there as well. Which is why they went to Peru.”

She smiled into her mug, one finger stirring the hot water. “I don’t believe it. Do you know that he found the first reference about Sentinels when he was seventeen? He came home and called me, babbling about this book he’d seen and how there was a special breed of humans in ancient times.” She sipped the tea, lost in her thoughts. “It must be like finding the Holy Grail.”

“If you want to look at it from that point of view, then imagine how difficult a quest it is, especially when the grail doesn’t want to be found.” Banks finally settle behind his desk again. “It hasn’t been easy for Jim to deal with this.”

“My son is as stubborn as I am.” She looked at the captain. “Tell me the whole story, from the time Blair met Jim to now. I need to know everything so I can help them.”

“Let’s go to lunch. This is a long story.” Simon grabbed his jacket, and escorted Naomi from the room.

********  
Captain Simon Banks entered the Major Crime bullpen late in the afternoon. He was mentally exhausted. Lunch had been a long affair with him trying to explain three years of learning about enhanced senses and the complications that went with them. Naomi had listened, asked some very pointed questions then asked for a ride back to her hotel as she could ‘process’ the new information. He walked to his office, only halfway aware of the detectives around him or the noisy office sounds.

Megan Conner interrupted his dark thoughts, touching his arm gently. “Captain Banks, we just received a strange phone call from the US Embassy in Peru.” She handed the note to her captain and watched the dark eyes as the man read her fluid writing.

“What does this mean?” ‘Situation controlled. Enemy detained.’”

“I don’t know. The man on the phone seemed to think you’d know the meaning. He also said to tell you that Jim was on his way back to the US.”

“Jim? What about Sandburg?”

Megan shrugged. “The embassy said ‘your detective’. I don’t know if that means that Sandy is with him or not.” She studied the captain’s face. “They went to Peru to catch the woman that tried to kill Sandy, didn’t they? They are way out of U.S. jurisdiction.”  
“I have no idea why they went or what this means. I also think we should keep this to ourselves for the time being, or at least until Jim shows back up. Not a word, Megan, you understand?”

“Yes, Captain. I can keep a secret.” She plucked the note from his hand and ripped it into small pieces, then tossed the scraps into the trash can. The Australian studied the tall black man. “You’ve been keeping their secret for a long time, haven’t you?” She glanced at her feet for a second when her superior speared her with a glare, before pressing on. “I don’t know the whole story, or the details … but Jim is special, isn’t he?”

“Conner,” Simon groaned. “I suggest you ask Jim.”

Megan flashed a smile. “Oh, I intend to.”

********  
The Major Crime bullpen was empty, dark for the late night hours. Two figures stepped from the elevator and stopped in the dark hallway, looking around them as if they didn’t know where they were. One was considerably taller than the others; their identities were obscured by the darkness as they flowed down the hallway and into the door way. 

They stopped at the entry to the open office area, poised as if to flee if their entrance was seen. Backpacks were shrugged off and dropped to the floor next to a desk. Identical sighs of relief broke the silence.

“Home.”

“Yeah. Wonder who knows?”

“Simon for sure. The embassy was supposed to call him, let him know I was on my way back. Just took a little longer than we expected.” Jim reached for a lamp and clicked it on, pushing the flexible neck light almost against the desktop so the light was barely visible. He looked at his smaller partner. “How are you feeling?”

Sandburg flexed his shoulders, rolled his head, stretching his neck. “Tired, jet-lagged. Hungry.” He propped himself on the corner of the desk. Jim stepped behind Blair and started massaging the tight shoulders under the long braid.

“I’ll see if I can find us some change, maybe score some soup out of a vending machine or something. Then we can crash for a few hours on the floor in Simon’s office. We can face the loft later.”

“Sounds good, man. Think we can find hot water and a shower in the locker room?” He groaned as Jim’s fingers hit a knot in his neck and rubbed it out.

“Yeah. Getting clean sounds good. Been a long time since we’ve had unlimited hot water.” Jim lifted the smaller man off the desk and pulled him into a brief hug, before grabbing a backpack and starting for the elevator. Blair followed in the larger man’s shadow, feet as silent as his partner’s.

********  
Simon pushed the door to his office open, one hand balancing a large coffee, the other the morning paper. The door stopped partially open, blocked from the inside. Simon looked at it, puzzled. He carefully sat his coffee and paper on Rhonda’s desk, freed his gun from the holster in the center of his back and then peered around the door. He almost dropped his gun in surprise. Then he carefully slid through the blocked opening, stepping over the body that slept against it.

A large hand attached to a long arm grabbed his foot before he was entirely over the sleeping form and Simon found himself staring down the business end of Jim’s gun. The big cop froze.

Jim blinked, eyes clearing as his mind registered whom he was aiming at. The gun dipped. “Simon,” he whispered. “That’s a good way to get killed.”

“I could say the same thing about you. What are you doing here?” Simon whispered back, carefully finishing his step over the two bodies on the floor. He knelt next to the sleeping figure as Jim settled back down on his side of the camping pad he shared with Sandburg.

Blair had not moved during the brief interruption, his sleep undisturbed by the police captain’s presence. Jim placed his gun next to the sleeping body curled against him and pulled the space blanket that covered the smaller man a little higher on the thin shoulders. Head propped on his hand, Jim watched his companion’s slumber for a moment. He finally glanced up at Simon.

“Good to see you, Simon. How are things?”

Simon rolled his eyes. “What are you doing here? When did you get back?” He got off his knees, settling on the floor so he could study both men. Jim looked tired, but his eyes were sharp. Several scabbed-over cuts disappeared into the thin hair and old fading bruises were barely visible around the high cheekbones. The black tee shirt he wore was ripped with what looked like several knife slashes. His lower body disappeared under the blanket that draped Sandburg. Blair wasn’t visible except for the long hair that draped around his face. A face that was also bruised and cut, evidence of an old battle. 

“Early morning sometime. We were tired so this seemed the safest place for us. Hope you don’t mind.”

“I’m so glad to see you, I won’t complain. Do you want me to leave so you can go back to sleep? The rest of the staff isn’t due in for an hour. Or would you rather have coffee?”

“Coffee.” Jim slipped from the blanket, tucking it firmly around his partner. Blair murmured, an arm reaching back for the warmth that had left him but Jim replaced his body with his backpack, snuggling it tightly against the anthropologist. The detective climbed to his feet, tightened the loose black sweatpants sagging at his waist, stepped over his partner and followed Simon out of the office. He closed the door firmly behind them and paused, listening for a second before nodding.

Simon poured Jim a steaming mug, retrieved his now cold coffee from Rhonda’s desk and pulled up a chair next to Jim’s desk.  
Jim settled into his chair with a small groan, as if every muscle ached. “I guess you want an explanation.” He sipped his coffee, and then leaned back.

“Among other things. Are you okay? Is Sandburg?” The police captain studied his detective in the brighter light, picking out shadows in the crystal eyes that weren’t there two months ago, and an age-old weariness that reminded Simon of a battle-fatigued solider, one who had seen way too much in the line of duty.

“Before you go too far with this, Simon, do I still have a job? A home?”

“You’ve been on an extended medical leave as far as the books are concerned. And the loft is fine. I checked on it the other day. We even managed to get most of the furniture back where it belongs. Sandburg’s things are mostly unpacked. The bills are paid to the end of the month and we can discuss how much you owe me some other time.”

Jim nodded, and his lips almost curled in a smile. “What does everyone know, or think they know?”

Simon looked into his coffee cup, got up to refill it from the common pot. “The rumor mill has it that you two took off to South America to track down the nerve gas and bring Alex to justice. Or that you needed to find a way to patch up things between the two of you. Or that you took off and Sandburg went after you, or vice versa. From the looks of you, I’d say that the first one is close to right, especially since the Embassy called and said that everything was under control.”

Jim shrugged, accepted the warm up to his coffee. “The embassy only knows what I told them. And the nerve gas has been disposed of, along with a certain blond bitch. You don’t need to know the details.”

“Did you kill her?” Simon studied his detective closely. The tell tale jaw muscle didn’t twitch.

“No. The Chopec took care of that. Please, Simon, don’t ask.”

“And Sandburg?”

“He’s recovered, healthy and secure with his place in my life. He’s learned a lot in the past few weeks and is beginning to understand what his role as my guide is, as I’m beginning to understand my role as his sentinel. We’re linked now, Simon. Only death will separate us, and that may not be true either. He found some evidence that suggests that if a sentinel is killed, the guide will follow shortly.”

“How does he feel about that?”

“Solid.” Blair’s soft voice interrupted them and Simon turned to stare at the young man standing in the office door. Jim looked at him with a gentle smile, but didn’t get up to go to him.

Sandburg drifted to the coffeepot. Both larger men watched him as he poured his coffee, stirred in sugar then returned to Jim’s desk. But instead of perching on the desktop, he sat at Jim’s feet, between his legs, head resting against the seat cushion. Jim’s hand dropped to his partner’s shoulder.

“You sleep okay?”

“Better than on the cargo plane. Thanks.” He sipped his coffee, leaning forward while Jim untied the rag that had been holding the remains of a braid in the unruly curls. He combed his fingers through it, trying to tame the brown mane.

Simon watched the intimate scene in front of him, feeling like he should turn away and at the same time strangely touched that the ex-Ranger could be so gentle with his smaller partner. Sandburg’s eyes were shadowed and when the desk lamplight hit him right, faint scars showed on his forehead and chin. The oversized tee shirt was almost clean, but the gray sweatpants had seen better days as Jim’s. He wanted to ask what had happened in the jungle, and yet he didn’t want to hear details that were too personal to the two men.

“How are you feeling, Blair?”

“Okay. Whole, complete.” His face lit with a real smile for a second. “Thank you for letting us use the office. It was kinda weird when we got to the airport this morning. It was the first time that we needed keys, money, ID, anything, in a long time. The office seemed the safest place to be.”

“You’ve both used ‘safe’, referring to the office. Is there something you need to tell me? Who followed you from Peru?”

Jim shook his head. “I think we meant that it was a place that we could go to that didn’t require an explanation. We had enough cab fare between us to get us halfway to the loft. The station was closer.” Jim’s head came up a second before the light came on over the elevator. “Conner is coming. She’s early.”

“She’s a problem.” Simon groaned. “You guys ready for Twenty Questions?”

Blair scrambled from his place at Jim’s feet. “No. Let’s go, Big Guy.”

Jim remained in his chair, shaking his head. “Can’t run forever, Chief.” He got up, slowly strolled over to the coffeepot, refilled his mug then wandered back into Simon’s office, holding the door for his partner and the captain. Then he closed and locked the door, drew the blinds and settled back down on the camping pad, leaning against his pack. He reached up and pulled Blair down next to him. “We just don’t’ have to face everyone right away.”

Blair allowed himself to be pulled down next to the hard body and accepted the arm around his waist that held him there. Simon leaned against his desk. “So, now what? You’ve barricaded yourself in my office. Am I being held hostage? If so, I need another cup of coffee and my pot is empty.”

“Simon, please.” Blair looked at his partner. “We’re just going to wait until everyone arrives, walk through the bullpen once and make our escape. Right, Jim?”

‘’Exactly. Meanwhile, Simon is going to tell us what happened in the time that we’ve been gone.”

Simon groaned. “You expect me to talk without coffee?”

Megan, Rafe and Brown looked up from their piles of reports when Simon’s door opened and Jim and Blair appeared from behind their captain. Major Crime erupted in seconds as the detectives rushed to their missing friends. There were hugs from Megan, slaps on the back from Brown, and handshakes all around.

Simon let the uproar continue for several minutes before finally yelling for quiet. “Now that everyone knows that they’re alive and well, can we get back to work?”

Rafe shook his head. “No way, man. They owe us an explanation.” He looked at Jim, trying to glare at the man that was so much larger than him. “Come on, Jim. Give.”

Jim glanced at his partner. Their gazes met and a decision was made before another breath was drawn. Blair let himself be drawn under Jim’s arm; he wrapped one arm around the larger man’s waist, hugging briefly before scooting free and heading for the coffee pot.  
“It’s a long story, guys. Better pull up some chairs and refill your coffee.” Jim waited until the group had complied and surrounded his desk. Blair refreshed their mugs and settled down on the corner of Jim’s desk, legs folded lotus fashion. He handed his partner his cup and waited for Jim to start.

“It starts in Peru almost ten years ago….”

The bullpen fell silent as they listened to Jim’s story of his crash in Peru, living with the Chopec, then returning to the United States a changed man. Blair took up the story when Jim’s senses started to come back on-line and the legend of tribal sentinels and their shamans.

The silence was heavy when they finished the saga, adding what they’d told Simon earlier about returning to Peru, the Chopec and the capture of the rogue sentinel that had almost killed Blair and destroyed the sentinel/shaman partnership.

Megan was leaning against a desk, eyes wide as she stared at Jim. “I knew you were special, I just didn’t know how. What are we supposed to do now?”

“Keep our secrets,” Blair spoke up. “All of them. Jim’s gifts can get him killed, or if the wrong people found out about them, kidnapped and tortured. We’ve been through it already. I’m his weakness and at the same time, his strength. Whatever harms me affects him, and vice-versa. Watch our backs.” He glanced at his sentinel. “We took you into our confidence. You’re the only ones that know.” His voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “It’s a matter of trust.”

“No, man, it’s a matter of family,” Brown corrected. “You’re family, we all are. And family protects family.” Heads nodded all around and Blair felt Jim relax next to him.

“So, do we do a blood oath or something?” Megan asked with a grin, and everyone laughed. The tension in the room snapped like a rubber band. “I just have one question,” the Australian sang out over the laughter and voices. When Jim nodded, giving permission to ask, she blushed but continued, “Should we consider you a couple?”

Both men nodded, then looked at each other and laughed. Jim pulled his partner into a hug. “That was easy, Chief.” He glanced at his surprised friends. “You don’t know how many times we’ve had this discussion.”

“I can imagine,” Simon growled. “Okay, people, we’re all family, but we’re still cops and there’s a job to be done. So let’s break this up and try to get something going.” The group drifted away from Jim’s desk, still patting his shoulder or Blair’s with soft ‘welcome-backs’.  
“Jim, I assume you guys need a ride home?” Simon was gathering his coat.

“That would be nice.” Jim waited while Sandburg gathered their packs from Simon’s office floor and headed for the elevator. Then he froze.

“Jim, what is it?” Blair was beside him; hand on his arms, looking intently into the unfocused eyes.

“Sage.” Jim looked at his partner and both men groaned.

“Naomi,” the voices chorused.

******************  
The elevator doors split before either man could react on the knowledge of who was on the other side.  
Naomi Sandburg swept from the car before the doors finished opening and froze when she saw her son. The hesitation lasted only a heartbeat.

“Blair! Thank the goddess you’re all right! Where have you been? You could have at least called!” She embraced her son as the questions rolled off her tongue. “I was so worried.” She pulled back to study Blair and her voice fell silent, eyes wide, as she met her child’s sapphire gaze.

“Naomi,” Blair acknowledged. “How long have you been in town?”

Naomi’s gaze bounced from her son to the larger man who stood at his shoulder and slightly behind him. “Blair, your aura – it’s changed. Jim’s too.”

Her son stood a little straighter, his eyes almost defiant but at the same time gentle with an unspoken wisdom. “I started my journey on the Medicine Wheel.” Sandburg glanced at his partner. “We have been to the West.” He reached out to his mother, touching her hand lightly, two fingers barely stroking. “What colors are our auras, Mom?”

Naomi was lost in Jim’s eyes. They froze her like a bird in front of a stalking cat. She pulled her worried gaze back to her son.  
“Yours’ is violet with blue overtones. Jim’s is emerald green with violet.”

“And before?” Blair glanced at his partner again, suddenly aware that Captain Banks was standing quietly, behind them, watching the scene play out.

“Yours has always been blue, but light, and violet occasionally swirled through it. Jim’s was pale green.”

Blair flashed his partner a huge smile. “Told you that it had changed.”

Jim shrugged. “Can’t tell if I can’t see it, Chief.”

“You will learn to see them, Jim. Just give it some time. Until then, I’ll be your eyes.”

Naomi looked from one to the other, and then reached toward her son’s forehead, one fingertip touching a faint scar before the young man pulled away. Her face paled and her hand covered her lips.

“Sweetie?” Her question died unasked.

“It’s just a scratch.” Blair deliberately misread the question, knowing that his mother had seen a scar that was part of an ancient ritual.   
Simon cleared his throat. “I was just taking them home.”

“I can do that, Captain. My car’s outside.”

“Mother, no.” Blair spoke softly, stopping his mother in her tracks. “Give us a couple of hours then come over if you like.”

“Mother?” Naomi squeaked in surprise. She held the sapphire gaze then backed down at what she saw there. She shut her eyes and nodded. “Two hours.”

He reached out, hugged his mother and kissed her cheek. “Thanks, Mom,” he whispered. “I love you.” Then he released her and glanced at his partner who had remained silent. The two men stepped around the small red-haired woman and into the open elevator doors, followed by the police captain.

Naomi stood frozen at the elevator doors, mind blank with shock. Her son was no longer her little boy. Somewhere she had lost him to a greater destiny. Blair had looked at her with wise eyes; the smile on his lips had been content. The frantic, hyperactive child was now a man. And she was lost. Slowly, she pushed the down button, feeling very tired, very odd.

Naomi rode the car down, lost in thought. She thought she had resolved herself to her son’s destiny after talking to Captain Banks. She thought she understood what drove her son to stand beside the man who could get him killed. But now the certainty she had thought hours of meditation had given her was gone in a puff of smoke. And in Jim Ellison’s eyes, she reminded herself.

Ellison had looked at her as if she was a small bird, and he, a very large cat. The eyes had been primitive in his unspoken protectiveness of her son. The elevator doors opened and she glided out to her car, suddenly lost in her journey through life. Her son was on his own journey. He had left her behind. What was her purpose now?

Simon was silent in the car during the drive to the loft. He kept looking in the rear-view mirror where his detective and observer sat. Blair was asleep again; head cradled on Jim’s chest, Jim’s arm around him, fingers carding through the chestnut hair, an absent-minded motion while he looked out the side window.

“Penny for your thoughts, Jim.”

Jim almost jumped at Simon’s voice. “Trying to adjust to the city, Simon. I’ve had to turn my hearing way down and for a moment, I felt almost deaf because of the controls I’ve had to put back on it. Never really realized how noisy civilization is. Just took it granted. But now, it is so easy to get overwhelmed and yet it feels so wrong to limit my senses to deal with it. Compared to this, the jungle is silent.”

“Are you going to be able to cope?”

“I don’t know. Blair thinks that I should be able to, so long as we find a remote place once or twice a month, where I can let the controls go and relax.”

“You’ve coped for years.”

Jim offered his captain’s reflection a rueful smile. “I coped because I didn’t know what I was capable of. I refused to believe, to trust, to accept, what I could do. Now, I know. To live in the city will be like being crippled. You learn to cope, but you may not like it.”

Blair stirred against his chest. “Your tribe needs you. And when the tribe is quiet, we will go someplace safe, maybe one of the islands, like where your cousin is. Simon will know where we are if we’re needed.”

“What about your teaching, Sandburg?”

Blair stretched his arms in front of him. “The university will have its teacher, just not exactly what they’ve used to. I have a different insight to share now.”

“And the dissertation?” Simon asked over his shoulder.

“Is finished,” Jim spoke up. “The final draft will be finished this month. It’s in a different form than it was originally.”

“That’s an understatement,” Blair mumbled.

“But it completes your obligation, protects me and you.” Jim leaned over and gently touched his lips to his partner’s temple.

“True. And it puts a spin on the sentinel mystery that only someone really determined will ever figure out.”

The car pulled up in front of the apartment building and the three men got out. Simon popped the trunk and lifted the battered packs out of it.

Blair was looking at the building. He glanced at Jim. “This place is too negative, Jim.”

“We’ll talk about it, Chief.” The cop took the packs from Simon’s hands, accepted keys to their home. They looked at the windows of the loft, then at each other.

Simon cleared his throat. “We may not have gotten everything exactly right.”

Blair smiled; the first one Simon had seen that lit his eyes. “I’m sure it’s fine, Simon.” He started for the door.

Jim stuck out his hand, which Simon took automatically. “Thanks, Simon. Give us a few hours to get halfway settled and I’ll call you.”

Simon watched Jim lope to his partner, who waited at the door. He watched them disappear, not too sure who he’d seen enter the building.

Toshua 2008


End file.
